We have come to believe that all women like marriages and you cannot hate marriages if you have never gotten married before.  A bad marriage experience either direct or indirect contributes to a lot of women to detesting marriage.

Glory to God for creating such a beautiful thing, that gives so much joy and happiness and yet so much pain and hardship. A bitter sweet experience that one will not come to understand when they are not in but only wish to get in from all the fantasy it brings.

Women cherish marriages to the point some don’t even consider how they get in… they just want to have a portion of marriage experience.

The idea of getting married strike women in their 20’s to late 30’s, with fading hopes in 40’s yet all these women at some point they have thought of and craved for their big day.

Fantasizing on how the day would be- the dress… hair style… glass slipper – the whole Cinderella package! With all these at hand, the core purpose of the occasion can easily be lost and forgotten.

Have you noticed how sadly divorce and separations are quite common unlike back in the days where it was an agonizing and excruciating shame and pain to even bring to term that you could be divorced or separated?! Lately some even shamelessly include it like a title to an introduction- so and so… divorced!

Back in the day people will bow their head down in embarrassment when they hear a person introduced himself/herself as a divorcee, for what you have openly proclaimed was a taboo.

Not lately, it is a trend and some even celebrate their divorce, the distinctiveness of it all is gone, it has become a cliché that gains interest by day.

To have it all without the burden of its responsibilities, is what most women want right now. And please do not throw in the feminism card when am up to present my views which I believe do matter.

The intensity of the current situation in marriage is what made me think somehow someone must understand the concept.

 

Not that divorcees should be labeled with shame and/ as failures! Not at all, for you might have had a good reason to your divorce & I am among those who are open to divorce when things are not working and when all hope is gone and lost. It is okay to walk away. This is not an attack on you.

Am here for those who thought marriage is just a trend- in health and not in sickness, for rich and not for poor… the easy downhill moments and not the challenges

There would be tough times, that’s for certain. Times of not Seeing Eye to eye… fighting, tough financial situations, temper, bad moods, sickness… unfaithfulness- yes, that too; as much as infidelity might even Biblically seem like the red card of this game of love, it shouldn’t necessarily be so.

Marriage is a work in progress, growing together, bearing with one another and doing all that can be done to work things out and make it work. It’s about second and several chances. 

Yet again mistakes repeatedly occurring twice and/ too many a times, could be a sign of lack or death of the core binding ingredient of marriage- LOVE! When love is lost, the irritating bad situations, discomforts and fury becomes regular and endless in what was once a holy matrimony. 

Before you jump in, ask yourself “why do I want to get married” and, to whom am I getting married? Am I attracted to this person I’m about to marry… in his whole totality?

Those are the questions that will help make you conscious of the reality in which you’re about to partake. 

Daily and consciously reminding yourself of why you married your partner, lover and friend; as well as your marriage vows, is probably an exercise our ancestors did silently and diligently to make their union relevant for even over 50 years.

So we see, it doesn’t end with the wedding dress, a tiara and pair of glass sleepers fancy enough to post on social media- a happily ever after is a diligent work in progress on all challenges of life and marriage- together!

Yes he cheated… so what? Damage is done! Telling all your friends (whom half of are low key envious thus this is just good news to them, while the other half doesn’t care since they’ve got their own struggles some greater than yours), blasting him on social media and taking all the wrong and petty advise and steps into ‘getting back at’ him instead of resolving the matter into ‘getting back with’ him- this would definitely lead to separation and eventually divorce.

But what happened to communication, forgiveness, fixing thing, changing things and finding practical solutions…?!

With all these pre wedding shenanigans- send-offs, bridal showers, kitchen parties and whatever else that has been in fixed on the list lately; I wander if we truly own up to the purpose of these events- preparing the bride for marriage life and not just the wedding?!

The ‘kitchen party’ specifically which was meant to be an equal replacement for the traditional ‘bridal date with her somo (teacher)’ as the ceremonies our forefathers keenly observed into preparing the bride for marriage- teaching her about humility, diligence, true love and maneuvers for tackling predictable challenges of marriage.

I suppose the feminist cry for equality has been misconstrued at the marriage level. For this is an institution of two differently wired people living as one.

This means that they have similar goals but the manner to which they need to partake into achieving them, would be different since there are things one can do but the other cannot (or maybe can do but not as sufficiently and efficiently as the other) and vise verses. So in marriage what is rather important is balance than actual equality.

This what made most marriages work with our forefathers- striking the balance; knowing who does/says what, when, where and how! Without prejudice nor malice but mere common sense, understanding and empathy.

Running away from problems does not really fix them, they shall reoccur elsewhere with someone else… one divorce to the other! Do not give up easily… pray, fight for what is right in your family with wisdom, communicate with love and set your priorities and authorities straight.

There are men who can cook and love to cook, yet majority would rather do the garden/pay bills or fix things in the house. As there are women who can fix things in the house/pay bills/ have the maid do most; yet majority would not.

Get to know each other well- what you both like and don’t like, what you can and cannot do, what you want and what you need… then find common grounds and resolutions- if it’s an extra maid, and extra job, more time together, space etc.

But not go about the gender war on equality… there is no absolute equality between two individuals- not even twins, they’ve got different genes. A man is wired differently from a woman… with strengths and weaknesses alike. What you need is balance, empathy and love to make it work. 

This is why I keep saying, marriage is a work in progress and not just a garden of roses… with the sunshine, there’s got be rain sometimes. If you are currently facing challenges in your marriage, hang in there and find resolutions within- between you and your partner first; if it persists then seek family and/ a counselor’s advice. I pray God blesses your marriage with more love, peace, joy and prosperity!